Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
