Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
