I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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