My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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