If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
