I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
