i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
