i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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