Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
