According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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