I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
