the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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