I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
where are my eyebrows?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
