If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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