Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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