apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
