this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
