so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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