I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
