Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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