Jerry, you need to find god
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
bring money and cleavage
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
