youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
