the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
