Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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