you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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