Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
