guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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