Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
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