Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
