"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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