we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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