yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
