i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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