Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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