put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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