plz talk dirty to me
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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