And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
