This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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