today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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