I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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