just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
