I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
