Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
