I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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