Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
