I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
