Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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