Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
