I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So squirting runs in the family.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
