When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
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We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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