he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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