I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
