if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My dick has a subreddit
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
