I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
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I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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