i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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