Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
love makes seman taste better
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
