My boss' voice literally gives me gas
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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