The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
