so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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