As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
